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Items by The Nightwatchgirl

The Nightwatchgirl™

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  The Problem Of CWAGS

  Posted: March 10th, 2010, 1:03pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  NWG is well aware of how troublesome her gender can be. We moan. We criticise. We demand. We nag. We sell our stories to magazines when we find out our photos have been leaked for huge amounts of money. We demand our fiancees to return from tours to reassure us that we still have a meal ticket...whoops, NWG means, a relationship. We don't mind if this means our country is without their vice-captain. We are more important whilst our looks are still intact and we can fit in to tiny dresses that show a bit too

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  What's Happened?

  Posted: March 9th, 2010, 1:40pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  The world has gone mad. Officially. No, NWG has not just been to see Alice in Wonderland or taking advice from ex-Welsh rugby players sucking pennies (oh come on, really?). She's talking about England's performance in their warm up game. Things that are normal: KP failing to score runs.Trott scoring runs.Bell getting out before making a half century.It's cold.They never show the warm-up games on TV. Things that are not normal: Plunkett actually playing a game, he's bowling and everything.Flintoff being a captain on the new sports quiz show.Cook bowling. Yes, that's right. This is what

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  Ryan Is A Waste

  Posted: March 5th, 2010, 10:49am MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  And there it is. Ryan is injured and now back home in England. This leaves England in a bit of a pickle, with Stuart Broad with a bad back (or something) and Graeme Onions still out. Now, aside from the fact that NWG is not the biggest Ryan fan, his injuries have become a long list of failing body parts. Andy Flower says it's because he's had a big workload over the last year. Er, Andy, no he hasn't. Ryan has hardly played any international cricket. He turned up for the Twenty20 last summer, but

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  That Was A Close One

  Posted: March 2nd, 2010, 4:35pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Bangladesh are rubbish, they say. Second rate, they say. Not true, NWG says. They are a pretty handy side and if it wasn't for Eoin Morgan today, they would have been sunk. He also becomes the first ever cricketer to score centuries for two international teams. NWG can't decide if this is a good or a bad thing, or whether KP is a green-eyed monster over this (answer: probably).

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  Points For Andrew Strauss

  Posted: February 28th, 2010, 2:43pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  While his team (yes Alastair, it's yours to borrow, to rent, to own temporarily) is out in Bangladesh (and winning, incidentally), NWG has been giving serious thought to how Strauss should be spending his time. 1. Farming. Apparently Cook wants to become a farmer when he has finished with cricket. What better way to stamp your authority by usurping your understudy and building an amazing farm (NWG was thinking Emus - they're crazy, lamas - also crazy animals, sheep - that's just sensible, right? And giraffes - not for eating, obviously, but for their poo. They must have loads

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  India Rule

  Posted: February 24th, 2010, 5:06pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Tendulker, the run machine, scored more runs today than England normally make in their entire innings. And South Africa lost. Bravo. Impressive. Show off.

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  The Aussie's Are Invading

  Posted: February 23rd, 2010, 1:05pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Otis Gibson abandoned England (albeit for a better job). And now there is a vacancy for England's bowling coach. The frontrunner is none other than Michael Kasprowicz. Now NWG doesn't want to be mean. But, really? When there are Allan Donald or Shaun Pollock on the list, why go for the Australian? Is this a secret ploy to secure some insight for the Ashes (they seem to come by quicker and quicker every time)? Is he really the best guy for the job? NWG is concerned. Was he really that great a bowler?

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  Twenty20 Excitement

  Posted: February 22nd, 2010, 12:37pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  No cricket for months on end, and then two games at once. And they weren't even that bad. KP has remembered how to bat (finally). Eoin Morgan is really rather good. As is Luke Wright. New find: Amjal Shahzad. Two wickets in his first over is a good sign. And yes, England lost the last one. But that's fine, because NWG got her cricket fix for now.

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  England Vs The World Champions

  Posted: February 19th, 2010, 1:43pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  England lost to England. Pakistan lost to Pakistan. The game today will be an interesting one. Or will it? England lost the toss and will have to field. We all know how well England love to chase a score. If only NWG could sit and watch the game. Sob.

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  The End Of Binga?

  Posted: February 17th, 2010, 2:16pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Poor Brett. Actually, NWG means poor old Brett. It's his elbow. It's stopped functioning. And NWG feels genuinely sorry for him, because he's one of the few Aussies that NWG really does like. What will Australia do without him? Oh yeah, they've been getting along quite well without him for a while now. But NWG is still sad. Maybe he'll make a good commentator?

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  Andrew Strauss: The Musical

  Posted: February 10th, 2010, 12:24pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Opening number: Andrew is on the stage alone (under spotlight). He is wearing his whites and holding a cricket bat in one hand and a ball in the other. Music starts. Andrew: I'm tired of all the fuss and the fighting,All I want to do for England is to win,Bangladesh is far and Cooky needs a chance,It can't all be on my shoulders. Little dance.Andrew:(chorus)When I was young, I wanted to play for England,Now that's happened and I all I get is grief.Why why why why can't I be like Ponting? The rest

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  Shane: Your Mouth Is Too Big For Your Face

  Posted: February 8th, 2010, 5:33pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Yes. The mighty one has spoken. You remember: he used to play a bit of cricket for Australia. Liked the girls. Liked his food a bit too much. NWG thinks he may have got a few wickets to his name too. And now he sticks his oar in precisely where it's not welcome. Andrew Strauss shouldn't be missing the Bangladesh tour, he says. It won't help him or the England team for the Ashes, he says. Don't remember you saying that to Ricky Ponting when he went home during the ODI series last summer. Or is that

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  Oh No Not Another One

  Posted: February 4th, 2010, 11:24am MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Just in case anyone was in any doubt as to the nationality of the England team set-up, it seems the ECB are bringing in another South African. Because England just don't have enough of them. Yes, Allan Donald is being lined up as the bowling coach. NWG thinks this is an inspired choice, as he was a frightening bowler. But she can't help thinking that the England side is being taken over by South Africans. Is this a conspiracy?

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  No Cricket Makes NWG Sad

  Posted: February 1st, 2010, 1:47pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  OK. So there's no England cricket on the horizon for ages. And this leaves NWG thinking about future series. Namely the Ashes. Namely NWG wants to go. Namely, she can't decide if by going she will just be watching England get slaughtered. Namely, she's worried that by going she will just witness a bad England display and thousands of Australian fans jeering. But she still wants to go. Really badly. But should she?

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  Balls

  Posted: January 28th, 2010, 11:45am MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  They started off red. Ish. Then came the white ones. Ish. Now they want pink ones. NWG wants to make a suggestion: How about a ball that changes colour throughout the game? Maybe even changes colour as to how fast it's going. Maybe one that glows in the dark. Or a multi-coloured one. Or one that matches the batting team's colours? Or a really smart one that knows if there was an inside edge and it changes colour to save the umpire an embarrassing mistake.

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  The Court Of Cricket

  Posted: January 25th, 2010, 1:01pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Now that things don't matter and the time has passed, the ICC have decided to formally investigate volume knob gate. Bit late now, but perhaps Daryl Harper can be shamed in to becoming a better umpire (chances are very slim). The referral system is supposed to prevent bad decisions. Actually all it does is make everyone question the umpires. When a bad judgement was made before referrals were brought in, you just dealt with it. These things happen. Quite often. They're only human. But now they have super powers of replay, hot spot, snicko and hawkeye.

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  Exclusive: Interview With Ryan

  Posted: January 21st, 2010, 1:09pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  NWG couldn't believe her luck this morning when her phone rang. Who was it? Why were they calling so early? Well, it was none other than Ryan Sidebottom - NWG most favourite player - demanding an interview on NWG. She could hardly say no, could she? So here it is. In full. NWG: "Hello?" (Yawn.)Ryan: "Is this NWG?NWG: "Yes. Who's this?"Ryan: "It's Ryan. Please interview me so I can make people like me."NWG: (Yawn.) "Er. Ok. Anything in particular you want to talk about?"Ryan: "Yes. My hair."NWG: "Alrighty. How's your hair?"Ryan: "It's luscious. It's thick and

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  Hair And Sportsmen: What's The Link?

  Posted: January 20th, 2010, 1:25pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Obviously, as you are all aware, NWG is an upstanding citizen; highly read; greatly regarded; extraordinarily intelligent and terribly witty. It may come as some what of a shock to know that she reads (on occasion) The Sun. Yes, that's right. She's in touch with the masses. And it may also come as a surprise to you and to her, that on the back page was a little advert for some kind of hair-reversing-bald remedy. And guess who it was? None other than Mr. Funny: Michael Vaughan. And as he says: "They've answered my hair loss

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  Captain Cook

  Posted: January 18th, 2010, 1:08pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  So it comes to something when a new England captain is announced. And not just anyone. It's Alastair Cook. Mr. I-can't-score-that-many-runs-most-of-the-time. Mr. I-wear-eyeliner. Mr. I-don't-really-look-like-I'm-thinking-most-of-the-time-let-alone-organise-a-team. NWG can't decide if this is a rather large mistake. Strauss will be out of the game till May. There's not much batting to do sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.

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  How To Keep Your Feet On The Ground

  Posted: January 17th, 2010, 1:07pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  Michael Vaughan, a pretty good commentator with an actual sense of humour, has said publicly what many have believed in a long time. Stuart Broad is too big for his boots. NWG therefore decided she should give Broad some handy hints to keep in touch with reality. 1. Remember you are not Andrew Flintoff.2. England are not, and most likely never will be, the greatest cricket team in the world. Ever. So you cannot justify having an ego.3. NWG would still ID you if you wanted to buy alcohol/get in to an 18 certificate film.4. You haven't

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  What's That? NWG Can't Hear You

  Posted: January 15th, 2010, 4:57pm MST by The Nightwatchgirl

  So NWG accepted that there would be changes to the cricket world in this decade. England might win occasionally. Australia may even lose. Matthew Hoggard could become a Sky Sports commentator (oh how joyous that would be). But not this. To refer or not to refer. Well. It's there. So you might as well. Batsmen don't walk. Umpires are often rubbish. But not the Third Umpire. Yes, the great umpire that is Daryl Harper has messed up (insert necessary expletive here) again. And this time he's not even on the field. Now it's the

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